Nobody told me I was going to lose myself in motherhood!

I am sitting on my bed as I write this blog post and I am thinking about the women that raised me; my late mother and my aunt and the little that I can remember about their motherhood journeys. They didn’t seem lost in motherhood, in fact they seemed to be very happy to be mothers. They were even happy to be grandmothers when I told them I was pregnant. So what’s wrong with me, how come I have moments where motherhood doesn’t make me happy or fulfill me. Why am I the first to lose myself in motherhood? or Maybe I am not the first one, maybe they just never told me about it?! I think I should just pick up the phone and ask my aunt!…

Hello and welcome to my parenting and Lifestyle blog – busiesholo.com! My name is Busisiwe Sholo and I am a wife and a mother to one princess. I never thought that I would suffer from an identity crisis, yet alone in Motherhood! From what I had seen before being a mom, motherhood was supposed to be total bliss. That was not the case for me! 

I Lost myself in motherhood.

I had what is called the Mom identity crisis, which  is the loss of who you are as a woman and as an individual as a result of being a mother. It started on the 30th of May 2014; when I missed my period. From that day on, my decisions were based on wanting to be a good mom without considering who I wanted to be as a woman. It went on for a while without me realizing; until Sibonginkosi was almost 4 years old. She came back from school one day told me she wanted to be a Dr. when she is older and then asked me, “Mama, what do you want to be when you grow up?”. I didn’t answer her, I had no clear picture of what I truly wanted. I was so used to doing laundry, buying groceries and prepping food that I forgot what I truly wanted for myself!

You see, I had big dreams and finding out I was going to be a mom in May 2014 was not going to change that (at least I thought). I was sure that I was going to slay my dreams and slay motherhood!! How did I go from that to I don’t know what I am going to be when I grow up?! Oh my goodness! I realized I had surrendered my entire life to my role of being a mother! And it was clear that I had some growing up to do.

All the things I let go off because I wanted to be a good mother, started coming back to me. Oh, motherhood! What have you done? I let my dreams die and don’t we do that as moms? Don’t we unconsciously let ourselves and our dreams take the back seat and we give ourselves entirely to meeting the demands that come with motherhood? Why?

Why moms lose themselves in motherhood

The one thing that I believe to be the overarching reason is that motherhood requires us to slow down. Yes I know you are thinking about how busy your life has been ever since you became a mother but I am talking about your habits. You go out less, you are tired more, you no longer take as much pleasure in choosing your outfits and have no time for practicing self care. There’s just a long list of never ending things to be done. The loss of identity happens because we longer have the freedom that we once had.

How to find yourself again after being a mom!

All hope is not lost, here are 4 things I do to reconnect with myself and you can try them too:

1. Ask for help –  I know this is hard (I literally say a short prayer before asking for help) but overwhelm is real, hire all the help you can afford and ask for the help of the people in the house (parents, spouse, siblings etc)
2. Take care of yourself – Take a hot shower or bath with music in the background (I shower with my favorite music playing, not just on Self care Sunday, everyday!). If you like your hair and nails done then do that! Maybe you are a reader, please read.  Or you love writing, then journal. Just make time to work on you and do something the energizes you.
3. Reignite your passions – Choose one thing that you loved doing before becoming a mother and make time for it.
4. Accept that you are now someone totally new – This might come as a shock as we are speaking about rediscovering yourself but it is important. You are not trying to undo being a mom, you just need to find yourself inside of it. Your life will never go back to what it was before motherhood but you can delete things that will no longer work for you and be flexible enough to learn new ones.

I am Not just a mom!

Neither are you! Motherhood was not designed to tame you! You can still achieve your dreams in motherhood and be a good mother. You just need to believe that you can. Stalk some mothers who are doing it if you and when you need some inspiration (I do that). It is okay to feel like motherhood alone doesn’t fulfill you, it is okay to want to work as a mom, it is okay to want time alone without your kid(s). You are a woman with dreams and ambitions, created by God with purpose. So don’t just survive motherhood, thrive because you are enough!! I hope you get the courage to follow your dreams mommy.

You know, when I was pregnant I got a lot of advice on how to take care of my baby. However, I was never taught how to take care of myself. Did anyone ever talk to you about “How you can lose yourself in motherhood” before you became a mother? Or about taking care of yourself as a mom?  Share in the comments!